conversations episode 2

Kent

Lost in my own thoughts I was waiting to catch the BART from the Civic center station to a party at the mission. Tarantino's recent piece Django Unchained did not fail to amuse me; my Viennese friend however thought otherwise. Reveling in the darkness (that is Tarantino), I bumped into a homeless dude in a blue jersey trudging along with a suitcase and peddling street spirit. Street spirit is the bay area newspaper that supports/fights for the rights of the homeless and underprivileged. Seeing how I had some time to spare, I quickly struck up a conversation with Kent. Kent did what any man presented with an opportunity to connect with another human being would. He tried to establish a connection with me. The conversation veered into religion (I suspect because he began with the question "Are you Muslim?"). Conversations on religion tend to be dicey, especially if it is the only thing that gives a man (or woman) hope. Kent, surprisingly was intrigued and curious by my agnosticism. This led me to pass up 3 trains and have a chat with this middle-aged dude in downtown SF.

Background

Kent held a job at SFO as a janitor. He worked for 10 years and reached some sort of senior janitorial position with benefits (yaay California benefits!). He said he was married and was trying to conceive a baby with his wife of seven years. On their eighth year together she had a baby. The baby sadly was not his. This clearly crushed the man. The details I received after this event are a bit sketchy because - a) it's close to midnight in a semi-deserted part of the BART station b) I am unsure as to the mental stability of the person I am speaking with and I hypothesize that there are triggers for all men and life on the street is indubitably hard.

From what I could reconstruct this is what happened. He moved out of his home and divorced his wife. After several anger outbursts at work, he began seeing a therapist and was forced on to medical leave. At the end of six months his therapist refused to sign off that he was good to go back to work and thus he ended up on the streets two years ago.

Since then, he has moved on and is now dating another woman. He seemed smitten and in love again. She had had a hard life too and the mutual understanding of hardship helped them to grow closer. As a man, he saw her to be his Brünnhilde and felt the need to save her from the perils of the street. He said, he was trying to move them both to a better place off the streets and was working earnestly towards it but it was very hard and frustrating.

I left with giving him a surprisingly log hug (he insisted, I obliged) and asking him to look after himself first which he appreciated kindly. I promised him dinner the next time to which he was quick to reply that he would do the buying and I was genuinely touched. I left to be part of the herd again, on to a party celebrating the successful investment of funds into some corporation.


A more critical analysis:

I believe Kent has still not worked out all his issues. I do not think the trajectory as is, looks great. Here are my list of reasons

1. When you talk about something, it still means something to you. It is unlikely that all the anger of having been betrayed over by his wife has been dealt with. These are hard knocks in life and there are no easy ways out of it apart from acknowledging your situation(grief?), keeping a steady head and weathering the storm. 
2. His mental situation has been further compromised by the fact that he is in love with a very unstable person. He admitted that she has threatened him with a knife once and attempting to splash corrosive acid on his face while he was asleep. Yet, he thinks of her as his panacea. This is unsettling to me. The rational decision in this case would be to move on to steady shores and work your way up; but as is often the case, we use other people/career/events to focus on instead of dealing with emotional issues.

I hope that I am wrong and I do get to have dinner with Kent again some day. Maybe even at Burma superstar or a pint at a nice pub. I do wish him the best.

On overcoming adversity, depression and loneliness

Overcoming adversity is one of the hallmarks to success and happiness. I am always on the look out for people who I think have an interesting way to deal with situations. In my experience as the unofficial counsellor to more than a few people, I have found ignorance and ostrich-ing to be the most common way to deal with situations. Which made me wonder -- why is that so?

One hypothesis is that problems tend to pass, as does happiness ala "this too shall pass".  By burying heads one does not need the courage to deal with situations. This however is a very unsatisfying approach to me. I have learnt very intriguing things about my mind by attempting to face my fears - for every visible fear there is usually a causal fear somewhere hidden in the recesses of the mind. I further argue that these causal fears are imbibed from family, society and upbringing.

By attempting to admit the worst case scenario and being comfortable with that idea - I often feel I am better equipped to deal with the situation, whatever it may be. I have loosely lumped depression and loneliness into this theme mostly because I believe there are causal factors for them too!

The Bene Gesserit Littainy against Fear.
Pg 19 of Dune
I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

(Side note: I think this book is meh, at best. It is basically a medley of the following - white dude discovers S.Asia/Middle-east. Mix with Abrahamic religious text. Throw in some space travel. Voila! If you really want to read something that is worth contemplating, I recommend - The foundation series)

If I am making it seem that decrypting the sources of fears and problems is easy, then you are mistaken. Here is an analogy - let us say you are listening to a symphony and are trying to identify the individual instruments contributions that make up the whole. The melody is but a sweet mixture of all the instruments in synchrony (or not). An understanding of each instrument's role leads to a much richer appreciation of the whole. But in life symphonies don't tend to get played on repeat till we have the richest understanding. Life, seemingly is an unending set of symphonies with artists, instruments and themes changing. By trying to understand the parts and the whole, both of which are constantly changing, we are often left playing catchup. Still, I subscribe to this idea because I believe if you are astute and determined enough, you can eventually appreciate enough of both the whole and the parts.

Residual emotions

All what I have said above is nice and dandy if we were androids. There is often residual emotions even after having dealt with things. Time of course is one of the most beautiful healers, as long as you don't fight it and have learnt from the past! Since 25 though, I have often found setting myself a new challenge the way to deal with these residual emotions. I have a few rules for this challenge

a) it should involve only me and my mind to accomplish
b) it should be something that is hard or challenging
c) it should have a positive outcome in the end whichever way it ends

So far, I have quit smoking. Run a half marathon and now,  training for a full marathon! Some of the harder things that I have tried and have only half succeeded are things like - turning the other cheek to churlishness and being helpful/empathetic in spite of ingratitude.

Having stated the above, I would make a poor scientist if I did not explain where my model fails. As an ideology, it requires unceasing curiosity to question and follow a thread of questions. It also is mentally demanding, especially if you are already exhausted by whatever it is that is bothering you. Lastly, there is always the problem of analysis paralysis or the fact that you might be analyzing the wrong things. It is probably not important if she was mad at you because you wore the wrong perfume because "those who mind, don't matter; those who matter, don't mind" - Bernard Baruch.

How do you deal with these things?

Conversations - episode 1

Francis Ford Copolla's classic Coversations was a masterpiece on communication and perspectives. If you haven't already watched it, I recommend you do. I've always been fond of that movie. Growing up in India, one often encounters hordes of poverty stricken people. The sheer number of people who are destitute, poor or sick is so overwhelming that most city dwellers quickly develop an immunity of sorts - sidestepping them, looking past their vacant eyes and tightening their purse strings. In the bay area, I have a unique opportunity (I feel) to explore their lives without drowning in misery (I hope).

I am curious to know what the set of life's set of events were that led them to where they are right now? A breakup, layoff, cheating spouse, abuse, addiction or neurological disorders?


The reasons are as follows:

• Empathy - if they would accept it, I would gladly spend a few hours/week listening to stories
• Life stories - stories have always been the traditional way to convey information
• Why it is hard for people to bounce out of adversity? What does it tell me about adversity, life and myself?

In an attempt to get this project started, I semi-nervously stopped by the homeless, fro-haired, bespectacled young gent who I've often seen off of Euclid and Hearst in Berkeley. I asked him, if I could buy him dinner and was hoping he would pick the delightful and wholesome sandwich shop next door. Much to my dismay, Bongo (bingo?) burger was chosen and I made at least five trips between him and the server to make sure he got the meal he wanted. I then asked him, if he would like to talk (hopefully not sounding like I was looking for some sexual healing) and I got the best damn answer I could have received - "Well, I'm busy.". I smiled, wished him a pleasant meal and laughed at myself. It was definitely a false start but it was interesting nevertheless. 

Afterthoughts:

I'm convinced afro-haired dude was off his medication. He was coherent to a large extent but slow in processing things. His motor co-ordination was a bit off for someone that young, but not significant enough(??). He did mutter a lot to himself. I'm unsure if that was the road getting to him or if it was a symptom of an underlying neurological disorder.

A new beginning

Adversity, it is said, is often a fountain for wisdom. I have always been curious about perspectives, rationality and fairness - more so as I have gotten older and my mortality reaffirmed. Although these three pillars have many a time helped me understand life's crazy events in the backwards, it is sometimes less than satisfying as a scheme for moving forward. Thus, after a lot of thought and some prodding by dear friends I have decided to take up writing again after eight years as a way to articulate my own perspectives. It is my hope that I can log some of my ideas and experiments for my own amusement at a later point.

I would add that these musings are hardly mine. They are often caffeine induced epiphanies born out of conversations with friends, observation of strangers and curiosity.

So if wisdom is inferred, 
then it is for all to claim. 
If folly is seen, 
then I am to blame!